5.17.2011

Preparing for A Raptured Lift Off

 Hey God, Is it too late to say I'm sorry?

Dear G,

You and I have been on a first name basis since my pastor told me to go read the bible after one too many questions that he couldn't or wouldn't answer. I was 11, but you already know that.  My grandmother gave me a bible later that year for my birthday, and in it you made it clear that if I wanted my questions answered all I had to do was to ask you. So I fired my Pastor and started reading and talking to you directly.

Well,  now I've got a big one...Some of your followers say The Rapture is coming on Saturday. That's the day when you start snatchin' people up to heaven, leaving the rest  to suffer and eventually go to hell on October 21st when you destroy earth.

By most common definitions that I've heard, I'm not one of those who will be snatched up by you, even if you can get a good grasp on my bald head.  I don't fit the general description of a rapturite. Ain't married. Don't have kids (don't even like em most of the time), and happen to be an avowed lover of women...I mean I luv me some women in every carnel sense of the word, okay.

 But you know that. You made me. I didn't know the word for it back in the day, but I knew what "it" was by the time I started kindergarten, when I fell in lust for the sixth grader who, my mother paid to walk me to school everyday.  I haven't looked back from that day. I've never even questioned the fact that you don't love me. I was told you do, and you have said  so repeatedly that you love all your creations.

So me and you are cool, right?

But by all standard man made definitions I'm doomed. After all this man's world is pretty clear about its definition of what is heavenly and what is not. Face it, I've never been tall, blond haired nor blue eyed. My people aren't Aryan..some of them are..but that angel apparently missed me... Well, that's my question to you, the boss of bosses....Am I going to hell? Am I going to be left here on Saturday to suffer for the next five months and then be obliterated by lightening bolt on October 21st?

Because if I am not on the Rapture list, I need to know if I should apologize to some people and maybe get on the pull up list, or at least get my ish together-settle a few scores, give away my stuff and all that happy horse pucky.

While you're checkin' your list and making up your mind, I'm going to start settlin' up,  clean up my slate, so to speak, okay?

Cool...I'd like to apologize for....

Giving my sister that Shirley Temple album of greatest hits for Christmas.

And for...

Cussing at my fire truck within hearing of my dad who was out of sight but close enough to take issue with my behind and my choice of adjectives..

Also for...

Helping to lock my other sister in the bathroom, causing her to break the big bathroom mirror as she tried to escape and lying to our mother that the mirror just fell off the back of the door..

Hanging my Huey P Newton poster on the wall  of my bedroom for the sole purpose of pissing off my dad and his white friends when  they came to the house for a sunday social....

Threatening to kill my younger sister if she lost my baseball glove...only to have our other sister steal the glove and bring it home without telling the one who borrowed it....kid wouldn't come home...we had to go find her...

Helping two friends steal 33 watermelons...we left them on the doorsteps of our neighbors like early christmas presents in September....

Walking thru my mother's Thursday card game...having one of her friends ask me "Jo-when you gonna get married?" and me saying "Oh-hasn't mom told you I'm gay yet?" My mother was totally mortified..I kept walking..

And I need to apologize to David my photog....
While driving through Kentucky doing some tornado chasing when I worked news...saw three abandoned black lab puppies on the side of the road...there were four by the time I made my photog turn around and go back...I took the puppies back to channel 12 but not before they barfed all over the news car...the smell was awful...Dave the photog didn't want to work with me anymore since car cleanliness was his responsibility...he cleaned it while I found homes for all the dogs ...

And I guess walking around naked on All Hallows may have been fun...but not what a traditionally raised gal should do..but did....I went to a Halloween party as a flasher...complete with funky hat...long red tie to cover strategic places...big overcoat and brogans...and nothing else on and it was cold that night...I  only flashed on request..

And to Arnold (pronounced Arn-no)...Driving to a friend's party in the south of France on a scooter...gave him a lift...he kept trying to grab my breasts as I drove..so I left his ass on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere...between villages....made him walk...he still refuses to speak to me even though we're on separate continents now..

Laughing at the three guys who actually proposed marriage to me...one because I couldn't handle having part of  my name as "Orange".....the second one because he was looking for a power couple business arrangement and proposed on our first date..it was a good date, excellent wine and a five star restaurant....I loved the repast..and the third because he was flat out crazy...Number 3 ended up in jail on a life sentence for killing the woman he did marry after me and her boyfriend after they divorced...saw it on TV...nobody told me about it when it happened...I was gone...I don't keep track of the broken hearts in my wake...

You know what G, on second thought,  this is going to be an helaciously long list...sooooooooo if you don't mind,  just surprise me come the weekend...

I'll be here...bet!




















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