5.25.2011

The Poxy-clipse, Harold Camping and the Canonization of Oprah

Good thing I didn't cancel my gas and electric and HBO subscription, because now Harold Camping, the self proclaimed doomsday prophet says The Rapture isn't going to happen until October 21st, some five months from now.  Of course he came to this conclusion when it didn't happen as he predicted on May 21st, which was this past Saturday.

Camping didn't offer any new mathematical equations to back up his newest suppositions either.  Just stuck with the old erroneous ones. Personally, I'm thinking maybe Dude should take a remedial math course since his calculations have twice been shown  to be sadly lacking. He admitted his mistake back in 1994 when zombies didn't bust out of their graves and start walking again, but hasn't expressed anything other than bewilderment about his more recent algebraic attempts.

Maybe he should just admit what most of us know about ourselves...we hate math...we were lousy at it...and most of us haven't figured out why we need to learn algebra in the first place...let alone use it to figure out when Jesus is coming back.

All he has to do is turn on his microphone at the beginning of his next radio program and say, "Hello, I'm Harold and I suck at math!"  I'm sure his sheeple will forgive him again and start preparing for October.

Of course, Camping's attempt to tap into the machinations of the cosmic universe may have been obscured by his fixation on King James. Maybe what Camping really saw in his egotistical attempts to second guess god was the ending of the Oprah Winfrey Show instead.

 Maybe what old Harold saw when he looked into his crystal ball was not a David Bowie thin white guy with long flowing brown locks and blue eyes, wearing a pale Boy George frock snatching people up to heaven, but a well endowed, medium tall brown woman with flawless makeup, all her own hair, no extensions necessary, clad in designer togs from head to toe.

  Maybe he simply saw Oprah.

 Talk about fireworks and revelatory realignments, in between the finales of Dancing with the Stars, Glee and American Idol, the universe has literally come to a stand still as Miz O makes her transition from mega talk show host to network magnate. Maybe that's what he prognosticated.

You want to see Jesus in action...look at Oprah...she was primed from birth...look at the name of her network....OWN...the Oprah Winfrey Network....didn't even have to change her name to get to it...she had it from birth....everybody say "Amen!"

Now I've lived through other transitions in the past....Kookla Fran and Ollie... Howdy Doody....Bill Cosby...Hill Street Blues...Gunsmoke...Dark Shadows, but I have to tell you Oprah's transition makes me feel like I'm watching the making of a new saint, or even the death of one.

It feels like she is being measured for a constellation spelling out Harpo Productions to be hung up next to the Milky Way in the near future, for all to seek comfort from before going to bed at night.

She ain't going nowhere. She's changing hats within the same industry...getting more powerful and making more money. She will still be heard from. She will still be doing great things. It's a great opportunity for a party...but damn! You'd think the chile was dying from one of those incurable diseases that Dr. Oz likes to talk about when he's on.

So get over it...the world didn't end on Saturday....and it's not gonna end today either when Oprah says goodbye.

Her, leaving talk show heaven, is simply a signal that the rest of us should turn off the TV, go outside, smell the fresh air, and then go find our own lives because the daily peeks into hers are now over.

 Come to think of it, that will be an apocalypse for some people.





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