Par-Tay! Ya Feelin’ Me?

All right all you Hip Hop Republicans.....Hey all you Black GOP members....Yo, to all you minority folks who don’t like our new president...Now is the time for you to step up into the breach!

The Republican party is in danger of extinction. It’s paler members have broken out the AK-47's and are currently involved in a circular firing squad. They’re cannibalizing their savior, Sarah Palin. They really, really don’t like her. Or maybe they’re just jealous about all the attention she is getting. Anyway, now is the time. This is your hour. Go ahead, jump in, take over. America has voted. We like our politics dipped in chocolate. And the GOP does need some spice in the soup its trying to serve to the public.

The real republicans have jumped ship. They support Obama, or at least are willing to support him for awhile. True non bigoted conservatives are also bolting. A bipartisan government is the utopia we have all been waiting for. But that leaves the party to the delusional right wing fringe who want to continue the marriage of church and state, creating a new talibanic regime on the most western of western soils. These people think they lost the election because their ticket didn’t push their so called moral agenda strong enough. In their collective mind, all the GOP has to do is to get more rigid in its views...fight the culture wars like they did back in the 90's when the moral majority was in its hey day. They want Saint Sarah to be their patron saint, their Joan of Arc, to lead them back to the white house and control.

I have a suggestion for you. Maybe while these folks are home cleaning their guns, depressed and sulking about current events, now is the time for all you young hip hop repubs to take over. Join the party. Stir yourself into that vanilla milkshake. Make it more flavorful and appealing to real America. Let's get rid of the virtual, Beaver Cleaver reality that many republicans can’t seem to delete from their minds.

The Republican party has to survive. America is no good if there is just one party. Americans are addicted to good cop-bad cop. The parties need to bounce off each other, rub against each other like a good bonfire. Oh sure there are lesser parties, like the green party, the communist party, the socialist party, the libertarians. We do have all kinds of political parties in America. We just don’t take them seriously unless there is a big “D” or “R” in front of them. “Ism parties” scare us to death and the only places that Americans like to see the color green is on frogs, in beer on St Patrick’s day and on our money, which is currently looking like more of a rainbow these days.

Someone has got to save the GOP. We can’t let it pass the way of the Whigs, can we? I will be honest, I can’t lead this revolution because I can’t stomach myself being a republican. I’ll admit that I have some conservative tendencies as some of my readers like to point out. And I’m a lesbian, too, so I can fit into the gay ole party. But I think the GOP needs some new minority blood. It needs some brown immigrant blood. It needs a shot of sangria, sweet, marvelous sangria.

So how about it, all you Q-dogs..Ya’ll like a good party. Some of you are even upstanding citizens. You know you know how to make money. Spend it too. Take on this new project. Rebuild the Republican party. I’m sure the Alphas and Kappas would be willing to help out. C’mon, make it more like America. Make America more Barackish. I like vanilla, but it’s the 21st century, time for another flavor. Time for some rap with the Ravel. Let’s chase that glenfiddich with a 40. How about some Miles with that Lawrence Welk.

Now is the time to stir this new chili. Variety is the spice of life, isn’t it?

Monday Morning Apology

I’m sorry that I called Sarah Palin just an “old white guy republican in a dress.” That was an insult to old white guy republicans. I’ve known a few in my life and other than their political leanings, they are actually good people. Some of them anyway.

The more I see and read about Sarah Palin, the more convinced I am that she is closer to a Taliban...you know those guys we’re fighting in Afghanistan....The ones who want to impose their world on that country as well as the rest of us.

Question: What is the difference between right wing Christian conservatives and Osama bin Laden muslim extremists? Somebody answer that for me, please...because I don’t see a difference in their world views...

In fact, I wonder when or if anyone in the mainstream media is going to question her about her religious beliefs the way they vetted Obama about his. Palin’s church is hosting a conference that claims, among other things, that it can “pray away the gay in you.” Changing gays into straights...hmmmmmmmmm..are the Log Cabin Republicans invited to this event. ..The national pentecostal ruling body, since 1949, has repeatedly condemned Palin’s view of Christianity as being to “out there” for them, too...Why is she getting pass?....When is the MSM going to put Palin’s pastor on the revolving sound loop?

John McCain went on Ellen Degeneris’ show last season.....Is Sarah going to make an appearance, too? Can’t wait for that conversation, if it happens.

I can’t wait for her first interview, period. For someone who allegedly wants the right to govern all of the people, she sure is shy about putting herself out in front of her would be constituents. My honest feeling is that she is a loose cannon and all the right reporter has to do is to give her enough rope and she will hang herself. Her arrogance matches her running mate’s ego...dangerous...

STUPID....a word that keeps cropping up in conversation, lately...as in “How STUPID is it that the GOP is claiming to be the party of change, when they’ve been the party in power for the past 8 years and most of the last 20....The really STUPID part is that they think we’re STUPID enough to buy that bullshit again........Well, are we?

UPPITY....Some political fool named Westmoreland used that word in direct reference to the Obama’s. And although he claims not to know the racial tinge to that word, despite the fact that he is a southerner older than me, he used it correctly...

Personally, I prefer dealing with bigots like Westmoreland, because I know where they’re coming from, they’re happy to tell me...no guessing needed....It’s the closet cases who bother me...you know the ones who stand before the American flag claiming to be my friend, while voting against any and every issue that would help me and those like me.....Anybody come to mind?

ELITIST...same as UPPITY...no other explanation necessary..Why not just drop all the subterfuge and use the word you really want to use....N******! Go ahead, put it out there...that’s the one you really, really want! You ain’t foolin’ nobody...

LIES....as in I’ve been in washington for 26 years and I’m still a maverick...ha! Or, I favor women’s rights and support family values....Okay....Here’s one from me.....”I’m gonna vote for McCain/ Palin” in November...

WHEN PIGS FLY! WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER! WHEN I TURN WHITE AND STRAIGHT, GET A SEX CHANGE AND GROW SIX INCHES!

Yeah, that’s the ticket!

Was I Supposed to be a Boy?

I have never questioned my sexuality because I’ve been pretty convinced, almost since I was born, that I’m gay. I’m also quite sure about my gender. I’m a girl. I like makeup, and dresses and being overly emotional sometimes, and having the door opened for me and all that other feminine happy horse-stuff. I even like guys thinking they are smarter than me just because they are guys. It’s more fun when I demonstrate they’re not.

But 56 years after I’m born comes the question, was I supposed to be a boy!?

No, I’m not having gender issues. I don’t see any need to cut off my boobs. Gravity is rapidly taking them out of eyesight anyway, deflating them to where they lay down and will, in a few years, give me a more flat chested appearance, whether I want one or not.

And no, I’ve never felt the need to pee standing up, and the head perched on my shoulders functions quite well thank you, so I don’t need a backup between my legs.

So, why am I questioning myself, today?

Well, a couple of reports are floating around alleging that people are more aggressive and can think more rationally, if they got more testosterone in utero.

According to the BBC report, more testosterone means you can park your car better than someone who didn’t get much testosterone in utero. But it also means if you got it, then you probably drive like a crazy person, and are the reason for the creation of the term “road rage.”

For the unenlightened, “in utero” means while still inside your mom’s body. Testosterone is the male hormone that makes men, well men. As we women age and lose estrogen, which makes us women, we grow beards and exhibit other male like tendencies. Old men also tend to start looking and acting like old women, too, which proves they also have some estrogen in their bodies, but that’s for another day.

The way you can tell if you got the masculine dose of testosterone, but still look like a girl, is your ring finger, in relation to your index finger. If your ring finger is longer than your index finger, then you got more testosterone in utero.

That means you can probably parallel park your car exactly between the lines and you probably drive way too aggressively for your own good.

It’s more pronounced on my left hand, but my ring fingers are definitely longer than my index fingers.

Hmm...I guess that also explains why I’m good at sports, can think my way out of a paper bag, I drive too fast, look good in a fedora or newsboy cap, prefer trousers to mini skirts, and hate Joan Crawford “come-f**k-me-pumps.”