Now see, What had happened was....

Coincidence rules the world. How many times have we all ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time, or even the right place at the right time. Coincidence right....When it’s a good thing we’re happy. We go on. But if it’s a bad thing, well then your life may take a turn and you may end up in the middle of a Karma smack down.

Which brings me around to good ole boy Senator Larry Craig who, if you believe his version, heard the call of nature while changing planes and went into a restroom at the airport. Much as luck would have it, he chose to squat in a stall next to an undercover policeman out to trap gay men who like anonymous sex in bathrooms.

The officer was on stakeout looking for illegal activity. He was there because of numerous complaints about this particular restroom. In fact, this particular restroom is listed on the internets as a good place for sex if you happen to be in Minneapolis.

Well, poor unsuspecting Senator Craig, apparently made some strange gestures with his hands like dangling his fingers under the stall wall and bumping the policeman’s foot with his own foot, again under the stall wall and got arrested for disorderly conduct. He was not charged with soliciting, but in his statement after his arrest, Craig accused the officer of soliciting him and entrapping him.

Later, Craig quietly pleaded guilty to reduced charges, paid a fine. He did all of this by mail a couple of months after the incident. He even signed a statement saying he understood the allegations. I believe him, after all, isn’t he a United States Senator? Aren’t these the guys who write our laws....so he must have understood what he signed, right?

Now that the story has come out the Senator is claiming he is innocent.......”I AM NOT GAY” he said in a news conference with his wife fixed firmly to his side, proving that he is a straight man.

At least I think she was a woman, drag queens don’t usually look so dowdy, so she must have been real. But, “I AM NOT GAY!” Ranks right up there with ‘I AM NOT A CROOK!” or “I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH THAT WOMAN!”

Craig has long been rumored to be gay. The talk keeps coming back every time the very conservative Senator votes against legislation affecting gays and lesbians.

I don’t know what he is, and I don’t really care.

I just think it’s yucky to touch bathroom walls and stalls. And I certainly don’t want to talk to anyone while I’m trying to do the doo. It’s hard to grunt, push and expel while holding a conversation.

But then maybe I’m not as talented as the Senator from Idaho. Judging from the way his fellow republicans are acting, I guess they can’t talk and shit at the same time either.


The Question of Michael Vick

Let me say right up front that I have a problem with dumb jocks. Before I start calling names I have to tell you that back in the day and even now, I’m a jock. I like sports. I love sports. I breathe sports. But I have always had a problem with guys and women who feel that because they can dunk a basketball, score a touchdown or slam a ball where ever the hell they want, that the rest of us should bow down and kiss their ass, or look the other way...just because...

I revel in their athletic ability, and like the fact that they can cash in on their talent and get rich and support their families. But that doesn’t give them the right to live above the law, or the moral boundaries that bind us as a society.

Michael Vick, that beautiful, graceful, talented man....is a dumb jock. He is stupid. So wrapped up in his “I am the world” that he failed to see the lessons of the past.....the lesson....”what the man giveth...the man will taketh away...if you screw up...” And he screwed up.

In this country....you don’t mess with his women and you don’t mess with dogs. OJ committed the first sin, Vick committed the second.

It’s okay to sin against your fellow athletes, jock sniffers and other fans...Pete Rose did it and lied about it...Ray Lewis did it..Packman Jones makes a habit of it, Chris Henry flaunts it and is serving an eight game suspension when the season starts. Screw up and you will be docked some money, but you will still get to play.....unless you do the dirty or carry the lie to infinity like Pete Rose.

Vick bankrolled dog fighting. Americans love their pets. I love my dogs. I have three of them. I abhor dog fighting. I can’t even watch that movie with Jet Li where he plays a man trained to be an attack dog.

Vick got caught and after a little hesitation, has pleaded guilty, will probably do some jail time and lose a whole lot of money. He was contrite and even said he found God.... Bull crap...everybody finds God when it serves their purpose. Keeping God in your life is the trick. Vick needs to work on that one a little. But after watching his off the cuff mea culpa, he does seem to have located his manhood hiding behind the dumb jock peter pan who never quite grew up.

The NFL is trying to disavow him and take back the spotlight that has made him and them so much money. His shoe company has dumped him.

The Atlanta Falcons, it seems are trying to “undraft” him, by demanding he give back his signing bonus..

I don’t agree...he earned that money. He should be allowed to keep it, just as he should be allowed to play ball, if he can make it back into the league once he serves his time and pays his fines.

Punishment shouldn’t go on forever, unless you manage to get away with murder. Vick is like every other one of us....we all deserve a second chance and usually get it.

Michael Vick should be allowed a second chance, too.


Reality Bites

PUT THE PHONE DOWN!......texting while walking can get you run over by a train...an 18 year old Elmwood Place youth was apparently so busy letting his fingers do the walking that he literally walked in front of a train yesterday...Luckily he lived to tell about it. Witnesses said he was knocked some 50 feet, landed and was unconscious for a while, but woke up. He is hospitalized with some bumps and bruises and a helluva story to tell his grandkids...if he lives that long....
Another indication that Dubya screwed up by taking us into an unprovoked war with Iraq...We’re apparently running out of bullets...our police that is...I guess we only have finite ammunition and that it’s being used up in Iraq...hmmmmmm....That goes along with not enough manpower for the surge...not enough troops to continue fighting or securing a country....not enough troops to secure America...if the war happens to come to our shores...
Money is another thing running out in America...we keep borrowing from China to make ends meet as a country...deficit is through the roof and circling Mars...

Now comes word, yet again, that the richest 1 percent are getting all the pay raises while the rest of us are forced to live on pre 2000 salaries...
Beloit College has released a list of things that the class of 2011 knows...IE...the word “lame” means stupid rather than someone who walks with a limp....or that rap music has always been main stream..The complete list is in USA TODAY...

Got me thinking about my younger relatives....My six year old nephew...born in the year 2000..once asked me what kind of video games I played when I was little. I told him I didn’t have video games when I was little...He then asked me...if I was “poor” when I was little...He couldn’t grasp the idea that video games did not exist and that it was a matter of not having enough money rather than no one had thought it up yet....His older siblings...teenagers, born in the early 1990's...once learned that just because the microwave is broken....doesn’t mean you have no way to pop popcorn...you can take it out of the bag...add a little oil to a pan and do it the old fashion way....NEAT!

Other things I grew up with.....party lines...black and white TV...in fact, my grandfather went out and bought a color TV so we could watch the Wonderful World of Disney on Sunday nights...WWD was the first show to go all color on TV....We weren’t allowed to use calculators in school...got you a failing grade and charges of cheating..We didn’t even know what a laptop was....no cell phones...and the windows in cars...well they roll down...you didn’t push a button....

So...what’s your reality growing up?


Movie Star Prez and Trophy Wife

Are we ready for yet another movie star in the White House? Apparently some are, if you believe the hype around the maybe presidential run of Fred Dalton Thompson, former congressman, lobbyist and sometime movie and television actor.

He looks good, is tall, speaks well, has a deep voice...all the things that Americans like in their presidents. He also likes blondes. He even married his latest trophy and she reportedly plays a big role in his maybe campaign. Is middle America ready for another bossy blonde female in the White House? Or does she know that her place is really in the great man’s shadow, quietly clutching his hand while whispering orders once the bedroom door is closed.

She has political experience. She was one of Thompson’s campaign assistants when he was in congress, when he was married to wife number two, I think. Thompson’s had several wives. It’s kind of hard to gauge his time line, he’s been in and out of marriage so often. But his penchant for marriage shouldn’t hinder his moral stance, should it? I mean at least he marries em after he beds em. Any blow jobs in the White House would be legal, unless they involved interns.

The no nonsense make believe prosecutor is having trouble raising money, but word is he will jump into the ring anyway. He hasn’t debated yet, but has taken a stance on Roe v Wade and gay and lesbian civil rights.

I don’t know what his stand is on Iraq, but I would guess that it mirrors our current president’s
view. In fact, Thompson and his wife seem pretty, pretty conservative despite their Hollywood lifestyle.

Makes me think he’s more of the same.....”do as I say....not as I do.”

I like him in his day job on Law and Order...but there is no way in hell I’d vote for him..even if he declares...even if he wins the nomination....no way...no how...


Monday Headlines

Bush loses brain...so what else is new....didn’t know he had one to lose in the first place. Really, now, Karl Rove is resigning effective August 31st. The architect of this most recent political disaster is stepping down to pursue other adventures. Probably going to hook up with Fred Dalton Thompson for a presidential run...

Found out something new today...Rove never graduated from college...any college. Gee, wonder how far the rest of us would get in this world without a diploma or without the sponsorship of one of the scions of America’s first family....always separate and never equal when it comes to the masters of the universe...


Anyone seen Condi lately? Just asking...She hasn’t been heard from for a while...now I guess it is no longer necessary for her to be seen either since we all now know that Dubya’s “compassionate conservatism” was a sham from jump street....


Mitt Romney won the straw vote in Iowa this past weekend....He got a whopping 3500 votes with Huckabee coming in second and Brownback coming third....any minorities cast votes....any women other than GOP stepford wives? Just asking....


Interesting report out this past weekend talking about the least trusted industries in America...the bottom of the barrel.....health insurance industry...the oil industry....the airline industry....


Tiger won another major....I was glad that the other golfers, specifically Ernie Els and Woodie Austin didn’t fold down the stretch and actually made a run at Young Eldrick...It’s good to know that some golfers are finally finding their balls someplace other than the bottom of their golf bag.
He needs the competition...We need the competition...I’m tired of the parades of adoration...If golf is a sport...then let the combatants act like it for a change....


No Respect, No Love for Life

Another report from the Justice Department confirms once again that “we” are our own worst enemy. The report deals with the latest increases in crime and basically tells us what we already know...that black people kill black people and white people kill white people.

What is so disheartening about this report is that it claims that most black murder victims..93% in fact, are between the ages of 17 and 29 and male. Conversely, white victims tend to be older, only 37% are between the ages of 17 and 29.

Blacks make up 13% of this country’s population yet account for 49% of all murders and 15% of rapes, assaults and other non fatal violent crimes. The only people who die younger and faster than black youth are native americans.

The experts blame easy access to illegal drugs and guns and generations of young black men locked out of economic opportunity.

As I look at these statistics, I guess my own outlook has changed. Usually I am outraged at this senseless loss. My anger usually pores out on the page. But today is different. I’m, well, maybe I’m tired. Maybe I’m resigned. Maybe I’ve given up trying to reach anyone through my words. Outrage doesn’t work. Nobody listens...not the kids, not the parents, not the community, not the politicians, not the police.

I drive through my neighborhood, a once and future vibrant corner of city life and see the hopelessness on every street corner. Young men in white t-shirts and baggy jeans blatantly displaying their designer boxers shorts above their sagging waistbands disrespecting all who bother to glance their way. They’re out there at all hours, no matter what time I pass by. Girls, young women, standing in the shadows admiring the young men, visibly pregnant, with maybe a baby or two in tow. Anytime of the day, this drama unfolds itself for anyone watching.

While the young men pose on the corner, Avondale, one of the oldest of Cincinnati neighborhoods is being taken away from them. It is being revitalized by whites moving back into the neighborhoods in answer to the gasoline crisis. Real estate is cheap. Older black homeowners who bought from the Jews when Avondale was a Jewish ghetto, are dying out being replaced by younger white speculators with cash to burn and money to invest, spawning a new generation of absentee landlords. Avondale is going green and getting a new coat of paint. It is getting set to sparkle once again like when I was kid, some 50 years ago.

The young men and their absent families are being pushed out. I don’t know where the young men on the corner go when and if they go home. Their neighborhood, the very thing that could save them, is being taken. The sidewalks are being pulled out from under their feet as they claw for existence and survival. Home is the foundation for economic well being. They have none. Their families have none. Even if they have a home, they don’t have the skills to take part in the buildup. No one makes them go to school.

They propagate and perpetuate the cycle, making babies, and baby mommas, with no support or way to get a leg up in society, chewed up almost before they’re spit out.

Soon they will be gone from the corners in Avondale. Police crackdowns and enforcement cameras will push them away from the newly revitalized areas. Out of sight, out of mind. The cycle will resume again somewhere else, if they live.

And maybe that is the answer....dying rather than living...their only way out of a bleak and seemingly endless waking nightmare.


George Orwell Bush

Sunday, while the rest of us were engaged in Sunday summer activities, Dubya was signing new legislation further curtailing our rights to privacy as spelled out by the Constitution and Bill of Rights.

Under this latest assault on American freedom, Bush has given the go ahead for the National Security Agency to eavesdrop on our phone conversations without getting a warrant. This latest attack by the prez is an attempt to legalize the nebulous spy program that is supposedly aimed at terrorists.

What the law does is allow government agents to listen in on all international phone calls without a warrant. For example, if I live in Cincinnati and decided to call my niece in Qatar, our government could listen in to our conversations on the bogus assumption that my niece may be a terrorist. They don’t have to prove the allegation or show evidence up front. All they have to do is tap the channel and listen in.

The new law gives oversight power to the Attorney General and the director of National Intelligence.

Hmmmmmmmmmm...I wonder if this is also an attempt to make Gonzo more relevant.


Too Much Info

Who cares if beer is only 135 calories, or a glass of red wine is 125 calories or a shot of tequila is only 53 calories?

Our government is becoming expert at avoidance. Rather than deal with the real problems facing our country, our so called leaders want to put nutrition labels on booze. Give me a break!

Who drinks alcohol for nutritional reasons? I certainly don’t. If booze was nutritional alcoholics would be the healthiest people on planet earth.

I drink because I don’t want to think about my current diet or how the war in Iraq is going, or how I’m about to turn 57 and still haven’t reached half the goals I set for myself when I was a sexy, vivacious young fox of 30. I drink because I want to pretend I’m a member of the roundtable at the Algonquin trading quips and barbs with Dorothy Parker. I drink because I want to get smashed and feel like I’m still the queen of the dance floor, not that I ever was, but southern comfort mixed with cranberry juice and a slice of lime, makes me think I am or was. I drink because I need sex and have more courage to ask for it after I’ve swallowed more than my share of tequila worms from the bottom of the bottle.

Booze can teach you a lot about yourself, that is if you’re paying attention. For instance, I’ve learned seven salty dogs makes my bed spin, and that I can stop the spinning by placing one foot firmly on the floor as an anchor.

Four whiskey sours gave me the courage to ask Morgana if I could feel her 55 double D breast implants when I met her at Loll 43. She loved the attention. It was the first time I fondled a woman in public. Whiskey sours also fueled my first visit to the legendary Brass Ass in Kentucky where I saw my first strippers. Man, were they tired looking women. Broke up my fantasy.

I’ve learned not to trade jack Daniels shots with the person who is supposed to be the designated driver and then really let them drive home. We made it, but I don’t know how.

Even hangovers have their uses, like diverting my attention away from, and delaying my self recriminations for going home with the loser with whom I was engaged in sparkling conversation the night before.

C’mon people, who needs another label to remind us that we are overweight, don’t exercise enough and don’t eat right. If you’re like me, you can’t even read the booze label before you start drinking, much less during or after you finish drinking.

Before you know it the government will force women to tattoo their uterus opening with a sign telling babies....Life, extremely dangerous!...enter at your own risk!...sheeesh!