3.07.2011

Newt's Big Adventure or Or There and Back Again by Newton LMG Brandyash

When it comes to politics, Americans just love their clown princes. Gives us something to talk about around the  water cooler in between the latest actor suicide by television,  bimbo outbreaks and crisis in the middle east. How else do you describe the seriousness being given to the announcement by Newton Leroy McPherson Gingrich, otherwise known as Newt.

Newt, the legend in his own mind, is again mounting a fake run to the White House. He's not really serious, he just likes the drama of the chase. He likes the chaos, the standing in the middle of the hurricane and being the center of attention when he walks into a room. He loves it when reporters ask nonsensical, non essential questions, hanging on his every word.  He can win, but he doesn't know what to do after he does. Winning Congress means you're on the team. But winning means you have to share the spotlight with about 500 other local drama queens sent to lead America. As we all know, there is no "I" in team. Newt  made it to Speaker of the House which is a lead spot on Capitol Hill, but he is not the HNIC. He is part of the leadership. He's not even the BIG speaker. The BIG speaker is always the guy in the Senate. Newt was the little speaker in the House.

  And everyone knows the really, really big  24/7 drama queens always end up in the oval office. 

Nope, last time Newt made it to Congress he had way too much time on his hands. And the  abundance of all those pretty blond conservative lobby ladies and congressional wives in training, masquerading as office help, didn't help matters either.

Let me refresh your memory about the callow fellow named after a salamander. He's been in and out of politics for a long time. Back in 1994 Newt led the GOP and helped usher in the now historic Contract on America, that resulted in among other things, a governmental shutdown and the passage of the Congressional Accountability Act of 1995. This nearly unanimously supported measure was designed to erase some of the perks of being an elected representative.

In between redesigning the moral fiber and values of America while  surreptitiously running around on his cancer-stricken wife-wife number two, he managed to violate Congressional ethics rules and regulations no less than 84 times.  83 of those charges were eventually dropped, but the one that stuck was knowingly lying to a Congressional Committee.  Newt was forced to tuck his tail between his legs and resign in disgrace, all the while calling for the impeachment of Bill Clinton for getting a blow job from Monica Lewinsky one night in his office.

Since Newt was cheating on his second wife at the time, guess it would be safe to say he knew all about bj's in the office, maybe in the back seat of his limo, too, since the GOP was on an austerity kick back in the day and it simply wouldn't do to see the moral compass of the GOP checking into a nearby motel or two.

Bet bj's in the office were meant to be one of the perks eliminated by the Congressional Accountability Act.

Since then, Newt has written books, come out as a dinosaur enthusiast, commented on television and feinted runs for the White House. The fake runs means he can once again raise stupid piles of money and get lots and lots of publicity, for basically no reason at all.

But this time, he says he  is serious and he signaled it by unveiling a website. Not an exploratory committee or an outright announcement that goes something like "My fellow Americans, today I am running for President of the United States." No Newton Leroy McPherson Gingrich put up a website at http://www.newt.org. You heard me, he unveiled a website...bought the domain for his name.

So what's he running for-CEO of Microsoft?

In the words of  Sharron Angry er, Angle, c'mon Newt....man up!.... grow some!...lock and load!....Go ahead throw your hat in the ring prove that any....ENN-NEE.. master of the universe can defeat the chocolate covered usurper now sleeping in America's master bedroom.

I dare ya!

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