If I Wanted Government Up My Ass, I Would Fuck a Congressman

Forgive my bad attitude, but the GOP clown car just parked its anti female jalopy in my backyard.  Oh lucky me.

Saw my first Newt Gingrich ad last night. Messed me up so bad, I pulled out my Xena Collection and loaded episode one on the DVD player. Considering each of Xena's six seasons has about 20 episodes, I'm good until election day in November.

Newt Gingrich on my TV makes me want to hurl. I'll leave the throwing up to Santorum, who is determined to replace the Constitution with the Bible, which is bad luck for me if he succeeds.

Even the possibility of a Santorum Presidency has me talking my dad into giving me a gun, packing my vehicles with supplies and driving deep into Central America never to return to the good ole US of A. No problema, soy habla espanol e portuguese e francais.

Santorum is leading here in Ohio, the home of Oompa Lumpa John the speaker of the house and John-boy Kasich, the clueless. Just what we need, the three stooges reunited in O-high-O. Frothy, Orangy, and Dimwit. Damn!

Makes me so happy, I could just spit. This week is going to be soooooooo much fun! Yeah, about as fun as one of those intravaginal ultrasound probes these fools intend to inflict on women, claiming it is good for a woman's mental and physical health.

I gotta suggestion guys....want to make women feel better? Kill yourselves! Just take a gun and put it to your left temple and pull the trigger. I guarantee women all over the country will feel better.

Honey, “ I've got a headache” will never again be uttered in America. Go ahead, do it for the team, right Frothy? You're used to bending over and taking it for the team, right? Not that Flipper and Lizard-boy need any schooling on assuming the position. After all they've been big time GOP insiders for a very, very long time.

I mean really, the primary is still a week away and yet we Ohioans have been inundated with political commercials since January.

First came Karl Rove and his Crossroads GPS  prevarications. Then came the candidate specific Super Pacs. Now come the candidates, Romney, Santorum, Gingrich and I guess Paul, maybe a little later since his followers seem to be collecting money on the side of the road like homeless people.

I am ready to vote today. In fact, let's call the primary and hold the election now. Get this crazy shit over with now. It is already tired and overplayed.

We know the outcome. Mitt Max Headroom Romney gets the nomination, since this is Amerikka and as we all know the person with the most money wins.

ie, Romney has more money than the Hobbit, or Lizard-boy or Frothy the Snowman. And, he has the backing of the GOP bigwigs. Most important, he looks like a president with his straight Aryan jawline, his plastered in place helmet hair,  $5000 dollar suits, blond trophy wife who has given him five strapping male offspring to showcase his family values.  So he will eventually be given the nomination, brokered convention or not. Doesn't matter.

Once he wins, he can change his name to TOAST!

Now back to my DVD collection.

Xena Lives!

All right ladies, here’s something we can invest in. It’s called Women’s Town. And, no I’m not talking about Province town or any of several cities in Massachusetts. I’m talking about a real live city in China where you can unleash your inner Towanda. It's 2.3 square Km of land named Longshihu Village in Chongqing municipality, that follows the traditional concept of “women rule, men obey.”

Now, according to Chinese tourism officials as told to Reuters, there is a long standing practice in which “traditional women dominate and men have to be obedient in the areas of Sicchuan and Chongqing.....” so the area is now going to be marketed as a tourist destination. All officials need is about 26-40 million dollars of foreign money for the ad campaign, and to build infrastructure like houses, buildings, road, inside toilets, you get the picture.

Women’s Town even has a motto, and I love it...”women never make mistakes and men can never refuse women’s requests..” I hope that’s an accurate translation, since, as we all know, translation suffers big time between Chinese and English. But I guess it’s the thought that counts.

Once it gets off the ground, according to spokesperson Li, when tourists enter the area, the woman takes the lead in all decisions, like where to shop, where to eat, where to go for entertainment. If the man decides to disagree or heaven forbid, to disobey his woman, then he will be made to kneel on an uneven board or to wash dishes in a nearby restaurant or to perform some other nasty household job.

Now don’t rush out and buy your airline tickets just yet. This project was kicked off back in 2005 and is not expected to open for business for another couple of years. That gives you plenty of time to practice being dominate, so that you can hit the ground running when you land in Longshihu. Bon voyage!