Ode to the Anonymous Commenter

A is for anal retentive walking waste of oxygen
N is for neanderthal incapable of any rational thought or reasoning
O is for opportunistic coward ready to spew hatred at the touch of a key
N is for the nothings that result from the massive amounts of brain power expended
Y is for the yawn produced after attempting to read but a few words of said drivel
M is the monumental chuckle generated if only you can maneuver through the misspellings, bad syntax and alien grammar
O is for orgasm, a real world ejaculation generated by meaningless cybersexualized bullying of strangers
U is for usual, as in "usual stuff " expected from someone with no functioning neural ganglia
S is for sanctimonious belief, that AC opinions actually matter in the real world outside said cave dweller's hole in the ground

C is for the control that you don't have over anyone, including yourself
O is for ordinary, nothing special, nada, zilch...not worth 15 seconds, let alone 15 minutes
M is for mentally challenged or retarded, as in dumb-ass, stupid, etc, except that would be stooping to AC level by resorting to unimaginative name calling
M is for midget as in mental midget able to generate third grade logic at the flick of an internal switch
E is for evil, no you ain't going to heaven, son
N is for nevermind, please don't make my day
T is for talentless, pretending to be a wordsmith is way above your burger flipping pay grade, do mc-fries come with that?
E is for empty, time to get a life
R is for racist and bigoted, last refuge of the anachronistic individual lacking in imagination and creativity

To sum up Anonymous Comments in one word-BORING!

Please, please, to reiterate, don't come into my space and expect me to get all hot and bothered over your immature and hyperbolic rantings. I've heard it said much better and with greater clarity at other points in my life. Your inbred fourth generation dumb down version just doesn't push the same buttons, other than to make me yearn for the days when real conservatives and bigots with balls, in other words, those unafraid to sign their names and stand behind their comments, drove the conversation, instead of all you stunted growth eunuchs who flunked social civility in high school and ended up being home schooled by the obsessively adoring  high school dropout beast- of a mother who bore you.

You...your idea of creativity is stating the obvious...IE..."you wear glasses...I'ma call you four eyes! hehehehehe!"

 I would leave you with a quote from Oscar Wilde, but you probably wouldn't understand or get what I'm telling you, even if you wrapped all of your miniscule brain around it and knew who Wilde was in the first place. So I will leave you with words you can relate to:

 you need to  crawl back down into that lichen infested basement under yo jello assed meth usin', pond scum suckin' momma's house and let grown folks continue the conversation.

Y'all don't come back now, ya hear?

The Poxy-clipse, Harold Camping and the Canonization of Oprah

Good thing I didn't cancel my gas and electric and HBO subscription, because now Harold Camping, the self proclaimed doomsday prophet says The Rapture isn't going to happen until October 21st, some five months from now.  Of course he came to this conclusion when it didn't happen as he predicted on May 21st, which was this past Saturday.

Camping didn't offer any new mathematical equations to back up his newest suppositions either.  Just stuck with the old erroneous ones. Personally, I'm thinking maybe Dude should take a remedial math course since his calculations have twice been shown  to be sadly lacking. He admitted his mistake back in 1994 when zombies didn't bust out of their graves and start walking again, but hasn't expressed anything other than bewilderment about his more recent algebraic attempts.

Maybe he should just admit what most of us know about ourselves...we hate math...we were lousy at it...and most of us haven't figured out why we need to learn algebra in the first place...let alone use it to figure out when Jesus is coming back.

All he has to do is turn on his microphone at the beginning of his next radio program and say, "Hello, I'm Harold and I suck at math!"  I'm sure his sheeple will forgive him again and start preparing for October.

Of course, Camping's attempt to tap into the machinations of the cosmic universe may have been obscured by his fixation on King James. Maybe what Camping really saw in his egotistical attempts to second guess god was the ending of the Oprah Winfrey Show instead.

 Maybe what old Harold saw when he looked into his crystal ball was not a David Bowie thin white guy with long flowing brown locks and blue eyes, wearing a pale Boy George frock snatching people up to heaven, but a well endowed, medium tall brown woman with flawless makeup, all her own hair, no extensions necessary, clad in designer togs from head to toe.

  Maybe he simply saw Oprah.

 Talk about fireworks and revelatory realignments, in between the finales of Dancing with the Stars, Glee and American Idol, the universe has literally come to a stand still as Miz O makes her transition from mega talk show host to network magnate. Maybe that's what he prognosticated.

You want to see Jesus in action...look at Oprah...she was primed from birth...look at the name of her network....OWN...the Oprah Winfrey Network....didn't even have to change her name to get to it...she had it from birth....everybody say "Amen!"

Now I've lived through other transitions in the past....Kookla Fran and Ollie... Howdy Doody....Bill Cosby...Hill Street Blues...Gunsmoke...Dark Shadows, but I have to tell you Oprah's transition makes me feel like I'm watching the making of a new saint, or even the death of one.

It feels like she is being measured for a constellation spelling out Harpo Productions to be hung up next to the Milky Way in the near future, for all to seek comfort from before going to bed at night.

She ain't going nowhere. She's changing hats within the same industry...getting more powerful and making more money. She will still be heard from. She will still be doing great things. It's a great opportunity for a party...but damn! You'd think the chile was dying from one of those incurable diseases that Dr. Oz likes to talk about when he's on.

So get over it...the world didn't end on Saturday....and it's not gonna end today either when Oprah says goodbye.

Her, leaving talk show heaven, is simply a signal that the rest of us should turn off the TV, go outside, smell the fresh air, and then go find our own lives because the daily peeks into hers are now over.

 Come to think of it, that will be an apocalypse for some people.

Preparing for A Raptured Lift Off

 Hey God, Is it too late to say I'm sorry?

Dear G,

You and I have been on a first name basis since my pastor told me to go read the bible after one too many questions that he couldn't or wouldn't answer. I was 11, but you already know that.  My grandmother gave me a bible later that year for my birthday, and in it you made it clear that if I wanted my questions answered all I had to do was to ask you. So I fired my Pastor and started reading and talking to you directly.

Well,  now I've got a big one...Some of your followers say The Rapture is coming on Saturday. That's the day when you start snatchin' people up to heaven, leaving the rest  to suffer and eventually go to hell on October 21st when you destroy earth.

By most common definitions that I've heard, I'm not one of those who will be snatched up by you, even if you can get a good grasp on my bald head.  I don't fit the general description of a rapturite. Ain't married. Don't have kids (don't even like em most of the time), and happen to be an avowed lover of women...I mean I luv me some women in every carnel sense of the word, okay.

 But you know that. You made me. I didn't know the word for it back in the day, but I knew what "it" was by the time I started kindergarten, when I fell in lust for the sixth grader who, my mother paid to walk me to school everyday.  I haven't looked back from that day. I've never even questioned the fact that you don't love me. I was told you do, and you have said  so repeatedly that you love all your creations.

So me and you are cool, right?

But by all standard man made definitions I'm doomed. After all this man's world is pretty clear about its definition of what is heavenly and what is not. Face it, I've never been tall, blond haired nor blue eyed. My people aren't Aryan..some of them are..but that angel apparently missed me... Well, that's my question to you, the boss of bosses....Am I going to hell? Am I going to be left here on Saturday to suffer for the next five months and then be obliterated by lightening bolt on October 21st?

Because if I am not on the Rapture list, I need to know if I should apologize to some people and maybe get on the pull up list, or at least get my ish together-settle a few scores, give away my stuff and all that happy horse pucky.

While you're checkin' your list and making up your mind, I'm going to start settlin' up,  clean up my slate, so to speak, okay?

Cool...I'd like to apologize for....

Giving my sister that Shirley Temple album of greatest hits for Christmas.

And for...

Cussing at my fire truck within hearing of my dad who was out of sight but close enough to take issue with my behind and my choice of adjectives..

Also for...

Helping to lock my other sister in the bathroom, causing her to break the big bathroom mirror as she tried to escape and lying to our mother that the mirror just fell off the back of the door..

Hanging my Huey P Newton poster on the wall  of my bedroom for the sole purpose of pissing off my dad and his white friends when  they came to the house for a sunday social....

Threatening to kill my younger sister if she lost my baseball glove...only to have our other sister steal the glove and bring it home without telling the one who borrowed it....kid wouldn't come home...we had to go find her...

Helping two friends steal 33 watermelons...we left them on the doorsteps of our neighbors like early christmas presents in September....

Walking thru my mother's Thursday card game...having one of her friends ask me "Jo-when you gonna get married?" and me saying "Oh-hasn't mom told you I'm gay yet?" My mother was totally mortified..I kept walking..

And I need to apologize to David my photog....
While driving through Kentucky doing some tornado chasing when I worked news...saw three abandoned black lab puppies on the side of the road...there were four by the time I made my photog turn around and go back...I took the puppies back to channel 12 but not before they barfed all over the news car...the smell was awful...Dave the photog didn't want to work with me anymore since car cleanliness was his responsibility...he cleaned it while I found homes for all the dogs ...

And I guess walking around naked on All Hallows may have been fun...but not what a traditionally raised gal should do..but did....I went to a Halloween party as a flasher...complete with funky hat...long red tie to cover strategic places...big overcoat and brogans...and nothing else on and it was cold that night...I  only flashed on request..

And to Arnold (pronounced Arn-no)...Driving to a friend's party in the south of France on a scooter...gave him a lift...he kept trying to grab my breasts as I drove..so I left his ass on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere...between villages....made him walk...he still refuses to speak to me even though we're on separate continents now..

Laughing at the three guys who actually proposed marriage to me...one because I couldn't handle having part of  my name as "Orange".....the second one because he was looking for a power couple business arrangement and proposed on our first date..it was a good date, excellent wine and a five star restaurant....I loved the repast..and the third because he was flat out crazy...Number 3 ended up in jail on a life sentence for killing the woman he did marry after me and her boyfriend after they divorced...saw it on TV...nobody told me about it when it happened...I was gone...I don't keep track of the broken hearts in my wake...

You know what G, on second thought,  this is going to be an helaciously long list...sooooooooo if you don't mind,  just surprise me come the weekend...

I'll be here...bet!

Give Me Some Bullets with Those Tequila Shots, Please

Ohio's Downward Spiral into Teabag Insanity

"Our bill says you cannot consume alcohol and exercise your rights as a conceal carry license holder......... Alcohol and weapons do not mix."-Ohio State Rep Terry Johnson (R)

No shit Sherlock!

And after saying that, Johnson proceeds to sponsor a bill allowing  people to carry concealed weapons into restaurants and bars.  Even more terrifying is the fact that the Ohio House GOP passed the measure without protest, last Friday.

Johnson justifies his bill by saying it takes the confusion out of Ohio's current concealed carry law which bans guns in the same spaces where alcohol is sold, meaning you can't take your piece to  a restaurant, a bar, in a shopping mall, nightclub, retail outlet or  on a riverboat.

The current law seems pretty straight forward to me...if you're going out shopping or taking your wife on a date night, then leave your gun at home or in the car. If that is confusing, then maybe those confused folks should not have been issued concealed carry permits in the first place.

According to Johnson, business owners can still post their establishments as gun free zones...probably do as much good as those signs proclaiming bars to be smoke free zones.

The republicans backing this bill say it allows "law abiding citizens" to legally defend themselves....Defend themselves? From what?

People who have concealed carry weapons ain't shootin' nobody! Especially in self defense. Most gun accidents still happen in the home...Black men still kill other Black men and...white people still kill other white people, usually their wives or girlfriends,  usually during domestic incidents and the cops kill the rest.

Concealed carry to discourage crime is a myth...just like stranger danger....most sexual pervs come from inside the family or is the neighbor next door or across the street.....most kids are kidnapped by a parent...societal myths...one and all...

House Bill 45 passed with all GOP/teabaggers voting in favor and all Democrats voting against.

And a word to stupid Democrats....offering amendments that ban guns only in urban...read that black neighborhoods is not only discriminatory...but racist as well...

It will now go to the Senate which in all likelihood will approve along party lines, sending it to our teabag governor to sign into law.

Dear John Kasich-An Open Letter

Dear Governor,

I am one of your constituents who did not vote for you in the last election, and based upon your work since your swearing in, my fears about your inability to handle the job have come to quick fruition. Your past record revealed you to be anti woman, anti worker,  anti black and anti gay, and that is why you didn't get my vote in the first place since I am all of the above. Well, you certainly didn't lie to us about it. I will give you credit for that. If your goal is to drive away everyone from Ohio who is not male, white and over 60..you're succeeding royally.

You ran on a platform of jobs and prosperity for  all the people of Ohio. Yet you didn't see fit to put Blacks,  minorities and women in your cabinet, and we have seen no jobs materialize. In fact, we have seen them rapidly disappear as you have trashed in short order, Ohio's participation in a nationwide light rail system, killed Cincinnati's grab at 21st century people friendly relevance by destroying the streetcar project, and now, you've tanked the Casinos...all of em in Cincinnati, Columbus and Cleveland.

In Cincinnati, there is a hole in Broadway Commons where the Casino is supposed to go. That hole matches the one in my gut that has been there since you snuck into the Governor's mansion by the slimmest of margins. The casinos were voted upon and approved by WE THE PEOPLE, before you got into office. It was working. People were working. People were making plans to work, by investing in the surrounding area. There was literally a renovation going on. But  not now. That big sucking sound you hear is the oxygen being driven out of the Ohio Valley, from your blow to our collective solar plexis.

Your desire to study the matter is nothing more than  politics at it's ugliest. It wasn't even an original idea, but came from a crony of yours, if reports are to be believed. There was no concern for Ohioans. It was only another way for you and yours to steal another buck from taxpayers...Damn the people...I want mine...that's what you did. And your buddy's firm is not even from Ohio. Your casino deal study is being done by a California company where your friend works or owns.  Not even one job resulted for an Ohioan from this gubernatorial power play. And according to news reports, your consultants get a cut of the take, a cut, possibly amounting to 13-million dollars funded by us taxpayers. Have you no shame? The arrogance of your behavior defies belief.

You've put forth a budget that literally will kill what is left of the middle class and relegates to invisibility anyone who happens to find himself living below the poverty level. Thanks to you, death panels are soon to be a reality in Ohio, because you've made it so. It may not be his strength, but is balancing budgets one of your strengths? Learn about accounting schools online.

 In one fell swoop you've managed to destroy the progress being made by Ohio public schools. You apparently not only like your women barefoot and pregnant, you want your sons dumbed down, too.

You've made it possible for folks to lose their job simply because they are willing to speak up about injustices at work.  No more collective bargaining. The new rules are kiss the ring of your employer or let your family starve.

 You've made it impossible for people to buy insurance or get coverage for their significant other if that person doesn't happen to line up with your vision of a traditional American family.

You've apparently decided to stand silent as the more extreme members of your party wage open warfare on women. What health care coverage that women can buy now is mediocre at best. The laws being proposed in the legislature send the signal to young women that male sex toy and baby making machine is what they  should aspire to in life. No Pell grants necessary when half the population stays home and raises the progeny of the masters of the universe such as yourself.

I guess your definition of  "cool" is staying in Ohio, single, straight,  jobless, and stupid, working at a McJob without health care insurance.

You've spent your first 100 plus days traveling around Ohio justifying your "my way or the highway" stance on everything. When are you going to do the work you were hired to do, which is put Ohio back to work?


Inquiring minds want to know Mr. Governor. Feel free to respond, but I won't hold my breath.

Respectfully yours

jo

Osama Dead, Be Happy!

Nearly ten years after the attack on the World Trade Center, Osama Bin Laden is dead, killed by American special forces, summarily executed inside his own bedroom. The killing sparked a number of reactions including utter and complete elation at his demise. Chants of "USA! USA!" filled the air as Americans rejoiced at the news.

The boogey man is dead, never mind that the war is not yet over. It was a collective exhale. People were happy. The party was on. America is caught up in the rapture of a nationwide feel good moment.  Happy and patriotic Americans continue to dance in the streets.

But not everyone is celebrating. Some feel the celebration of the death of another human being was wrong and somehow not Christian or religious or human. As details of the raid filtered out, others took issue with the use of the name Geronimo as code for Bin Laden, stating it was a slap in the face of Native Americans to use the name of so great a chieftain. Yeah, so what else is new?

Those wringing their hands miss the point. The celebrations were not because one man died or due to another great man's name being used without due reverence. Geronimo's name was probably spit out by computer. After all, that is the way they choose those stupid battle names in the first place. What do you do, kill the programmer, because the programming points to the deeply entrenched  racism that permeates America? Bin Laden was more symbol than man. Kill the symbol, take the flag. Win the war. Win the competition. It's the American way. Passion for politics and law?  Find out about  law degrees online.

 With the exception of those two great persecutions and killings of brown Americans, namely the Civil War, and the wars against Native Americans, wars are never fought on American soil. Wars are fought "over there." American civilians don't die in war. Our soldiers do, but then they volunteer to defend the rest of us. The rest of us go on about our daily lives, tying yellow ribbons around tree trunks, voicing outrage when cryptkeeper Fred Phelps and family show up at military funerals, or become a little aggravated by the inconveniences of stepped up security, refusing to dwell on what is being done by our government in other countries in our name. It's like Jack said "we can't handle the truth!" We Americans really don't want to know.  We just want someone else to do it and please don't slow my roll in the process.

 And truth be told, the biggest outrage of September 11th is not that it happened, but that it happened on American soil, in our greatest city.

Bin Laden's boys literally walked into our collective bedroom wrapped in our goodwill and raped our significant other in front of the whole world. He pissed on our award winning roses and then turned around and told us he was coming back for more.

America lives by that old saying "you start it...we'll finish it."  In other words, you can screw my wife, but take her to a hotel...don't you dare have sex with her in my bed or in my house. Doing your dirt on our turf is the ultimate insult. Like the Japanese,  Bin Laden chose to bring war to America. Big mistake. Huge mistake.

Bin Laden's braggadocio set off a worldwide, decade long manhunt and two wars. He became public enemy number one, right up there with Al Capone and the heads of all the big South American drug cartel leaders. The feds put a 25 million dollar price tag on his head. No American was safe while Bin Laden was alive, we were told. He became our excuse for invading other countries, sowing our version of democracy as we traipsed along killing babies, women and children, raining destruction on whole nations. Where was the religious, pseudo-christian outcry then?

Bin Laden didn't hurt America per say, he insulted America. He killed more of his own people, people who shared his belief system, then he did Americans. Taken in perspective, the destruction of the World Trade Center was more  like a solidly landed left hook that may have staggered us, but never even brought us to our knees. The September 11 attack  temporarily hurt our collective self esteem. It stung, showed us we do bleed, all the while acting as a shield enabling the greedy neocons to drink their fill of foreign oil.

If we were truthful with us, we would admit that we are not really a religious world, or a caring people concerned about the death of one man or of a hundred men or even thousands of people. Religious people, true followers of god or higher power don't fight or sanction wars of any kind or in any form, what so ever. They don't look away as thousands of innocents die in the name of regime change or nation building or self defense. To voice concern about the death of one man is disingenuous, more self serving than anything, wrapped around the fear of further repercussion.

Americans danced in the streets this week because, the hunt for and execution of Osama Bin Laden merely reinforced our self perceived superiority in the world. Bin Laden's death was the squelching of the idea that America is volunerable, fat and lazy lacking a counterpunch. Bin Laden's death showcases what some call American exceptionalism. We are simply the best. Bin Laden's death lets us know that it is okay to go shopping again.

Exhale!

WHO LET THE DOGS OUT? OBAMA! OBAMA!

Who let the dogs out? OBAMA! You Betcha!

Ain't no half steppin' when this president sends in the cavalry. No sirree! Pirates take a ship with an American crew, Obama says shoot em in the head and they did. Three shots...BAM! Ship no longer hijacked. Hostages safe.

And Osama Bin Laden, the fool who 10 years ago, started all this crap in the first place...caught hiding in plain sight...just like some of us imagined. I always figured we'd find Bin Laden in New York hunkered down in the Bin Laden family condo on Time Square.

It wasn't New York, but it was a luxurious house in Pakistan within shouting distance of the seat of government and the Pakistani version of West Point. He was there with family according to reports, living the life of a king in exile.

Can't tell me the Pakistani government didn't know he was there. And I'll bet my next paycheck that the intel only got real when Obama told our people to bypass the known government snitches and do the intel on their own, like it should a been from jump.

One of the big downsides of Don't Ask Don't Tell was that most, if not many of those drummed out the military for being gay were translators who could have been put to better use in the hunt for Bin Laden, and doing what they were trained to do rather than being forced to stay in the closet to calm the homophobic tendencies of the brass back in the Pentagon and on Capital Hill. Osama might have been caught a lot sooner than later, we might still not be in Iraq or Afghanistan and Bush might really have had his Mission Accomplished moment instead of a photo shopped photo op.

The Navy seals double tapped Bin Laden's ass......shot him in the head and delivered a second tap for good measure. End of story, body put in a bag and dumped at sea...all in accordance with Islamic scripture, we're being told, this to keep his grave from becoming a terrorist holy site.

Reports tell us this was plan B...Plan A was to simply drop a bunker buster bomb on his head...but that would have obliterated all the evidence, thereby allowing conspiracy theorists with names like Berg, Bachmann, Taitz and Trump to run with a newer and more delusional fantasy.

America needed to be able to point to the house and show the wicked witch's feet sticking out from under it. So President Obama demanded his "ding dong the witch is dead!" moment. President Obama has really earned his ruby slippers. Think they will leave him alone now...Nope!

This has been a very big weekend when it comes to taking out despots. NATO scored an "almost" on Khaddafyi in Libya...they reportedly got some family members and now America takes out Al Qaeda Number 1. All of this on the historical anniversary of the downfall of Adolf Hitler. Bitchin'!

Enjoy your day, Mr. President..you've earned every second of it.