Humane Burgers, Old Fossils and Getting Fat by Breathing

Unless you live under a rock or somewhere else deep inside the earth, you know that too many calories and not enough exercise will make you fat. Well, there is a new study out that claims that air pollution is also contributing to America’s big butt epidemic.

Researchers cautioned that the evidence is preliminary at this point, but what they are seeing is chemicals in the air that triggers a process called adipogenesis, which in laymen’s terms is fat-cell activity. The findings were presented at last month’s American Association for the Advancement of Science. Scientists even have a name for these fat causing chemicals. They are called “obesogens.”

So what do we do now? Stop breathing?

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Well, god love her, that old fossil Phyllis Schlafly is apparently still alive with foot still firmly planted in her mouth. You would think she would’ve choked on it by now. But not so. The former head of the very conservative right wing organization Eagle Forum, has reared her doddering gray head to tell us that women can not be raped by their husbands.

According to Dr. Phyl, once a woman enters into marriage she consents to sex whenever and where ever hubby wants it, period. Schlafly also thinks and says that women are physically inferior to men and should not be firefighters, soldiers, police officers or construction workers, among other things.

No female soldiers? Hmmmm. What about all the women who are fighting and dying in Iraq, sent there by Dr. Phyl’s political party of choice. She dares to call these women inferior?

And speaking of inferior, anyone check on Schlafly’s gay son lately? Or is he still bound and gagged and quietly in the closet?

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Burger King, number two and apparently trying harder, has decided to be more humane about the food it is serving up. The giant fast food chain has decided that in the future it will only serve eggs and pork purchased from free range animal farmers instead of from those who confine their livestock to crates and cages. PETA and other animal rights organizations applauded the decision as the humane way to go.

Inquiring minds want to know.....If you’re patronizing Burger King or Mickey D’s, or Jack in the Box or whom ever, do you really give a damn about how the animal was humanely kept or put to death before it got to your plate?

Don’t you really only worry about whether it’s fast, hot, and not breathing on the bun before you sink your teeth into it?

If humane really meant anything don’t you think you’d be vegetarian? Just asking...

Color Me Happy and Pass the Almond Joy

I’m at that age where most stuff that I consumed in my younger days will now either kill me, make me fat, increase my cholesterol, or give me gas. Eating is no longer the pleasure it once was. I eat now because I have to, to stay alive, not because I necessarily enjoy what it is I have to eat. The good stuff has long disappeared from my diet except for the occasional binge, for which I pay dearly. Until today, that is.

Chocolate, dark, rich, creamy chocolate is back in my diet and soon to be in my mouth, thanks to a study recently presented to the American College of Cardiology Scientific, which met in New Orleans, last week.

According to the study, dark chocolate significantly increases blood flow function. The study was conducted by one Dr. Valentine Yanchou Nijike of the Yale Research Prevention Center.
During a six week study, 45 people were given cocoa without sugar, cocoa with sugar, or a placebo every day of the study.

Doctors then used ultrasound to measure the upper arm’s artery’s ability to relax and expand to accommodate increased blood flow.

The folks who got the dark chocolate showed a major increase in blood flow. Even those who got the sugared cocoa showed a significant increase. Those who got the placebo showed no increase.

Researchers said the study, while very promising, is not meant to be taken as a sign to binge on chocolate. Further studies are required say the researchers.

Okay. I’ll still take my meds, but I’m no longer passing up the Hershey bars, snickers, milky ways, or baby ruth bars. I need them to make my blood flow better.

Rapex? Trojan...Trojan? Rapex

From the “I can’t make this up category” comes a new product from South Africa. It’s called RAPEX.

Rapex is a new kind of condom designed to combat the crime of rape. This is a condom for women and is inserted with an applicator much like a tampon. Inside the condom are teeth that attach to the head and shaft of the penis when it is inserted during penetration.

According to the website, it is a device that can be worn for up to 24 hours and should be inserted prior to dates with men you don’t know, when you know you’re going to be walking down some dark street or alley at midnight, if you’re going out clubbing, if you’re working alone in the office late at night, or in any situation where you’re just not sure about the men surrounding you.

It can even be used if you have an abusive husband who is constantly demanding sex when you have a headache.

This device, which was invented a few years ago by a woman named Sonet Ehlers, is designed to cause the man great pain, if he gets caught in it. According to the Rapex website; http://www.rapestop.net, it’s better than the proverbial “kick in the groin” that martial artists teach women as a form of defense.

Once it bites, according to Ms, Ehlers, it won’t come off without medical aid.

Ms. Ehlers says the condom was tested on a fake vagina and fake penis so no real men were maimed during the experiments. She also says the condom is undetectable in case the would-be rapist decides to inspect before inserting.

Critics have called the inventor a man hater for coming up with such a device.

Give me a break, rape is not a crime of sex...it is a crime of power. Men who rape don’t love their victims. If women want to “bite back,” then so be it. It will save money on dental bills.

And what about protection against the guy who breaks into your house while you’re sleeping? Well, that’s easy. Keep Rapex by the bed. You can quickly insert and be ready for him when he climbs on top of you, as you lay there cowering, like little women do, when under attack.

Hmmmm...think I’d rather put my trust in a 38, loaded, laying in the spot where I would normally keep my Rapex.

Shock and Disgust

Four years later and the “shock and awe” of the assault on Iraq has turned to anger and disgust. Those of us who were alive during Vietnam can rightfully say “we told ya so.” This latest quagmire was never about liberation, freedom or the war on terror. It was about politics, religion and rich men’s dreams of getting richer at the expense of the rest of us.

The war platform was built on lies which were shaped by cherry picked intelligence to bolster the prevarications that we needed to liberate the Iraqi people in order to protect our country from terrorism. The war platform was shaped by right wing religious fervor of spreading Christianity to the “heathens.” Bring them to “our” god and making the world a “safer” place. The war was the method that some thought could bring control of the oil rich territories to the west, insuring our energy supplies.

We now know by looking backward that this administration sent our troops over there without proper equipment, armor, and in some cases, training. This administration sent our national guard troops to fight and die in an illegal conflagration that left this country exposed to the elements. Helpless when it came to fighting the natural disasters that have ravaged us in the past few years. There was no one to help those victimized by Katrina except an inept, uncaring group of political hacks appointed by this White House, in order to fulfill campaign promises. There is no one, now, to dig out from under the series of tornadoes and storms that have cut wide paths of destruction across much of the southern half of this country.

Iraq is mired in a religious civil war. We are caught in the middle. Our president is sending more troops while Congress stands around with its thumb up its ass.

3200 dead. We’re running out of troops. The war goes on...........

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“Another N**** Dead, “ So What!

When I was about 11 years old, a three year old cousin of mine, who was named after my mother, was hit and killed by a car. It was her fault. She ran into the street, chasing a cat. She didn’t see the car. The driver didn’t see her. She died instantly.

Three days later she was buried. The funeral was held in Cleveland and while the procession wound down Euclid Avenue, I remember looking out a window as my father drove and seeing a young, skinny white dude, jumping up and down and clapping his hands singing a made up song; “another nigger dead, another nigger dead, another nigger dead.” He didn’t stop until all the cars had past him. It didn’t make any difference that we were burying a little girl who just wanted to play with her kitty cat.

This memory came back to me as I watched the news conference about the indictments of the police officers who executed Sean Bell on his wedding day. They were indicted for first and second degree manslaughter. Serious charges, if they are convicted.

But I wanted to hear the word “murder” somewhere in the official reckoning. This was an execution, plain and simple. There was no equivocation. One cop shot 50 rounds. He had to reload at least once. He knew what he was doing.

Another nigger dead, another nigger dead, another nigger dead. So what.

45 years later and I still can’t get that phrase out of my head.

Presidential Fiddle Faddle

Hillary, Obama, enough with the JFK comparisons. Neither one of you can fill those shoes, before he became president, and certainly not after. Let’s stick to some issues. Any issues besides Iraq. You’re both Senators, let’s do something in Congress for a while. We’ve got time before 2008.

Obama, how about a platform of ideas to spark my interest. So far, the only thing you’re offering is a beautiful smile, and a lot of charisma. Makes me want to marry you, but not necessarily to vote for you.

Hillary, you are proving to be exactly what you are, a professional politician who happens to wear a dress. Please, give me a reason to support you besides your gender, it ain’t enough.

Fred Thompson, please don’t throw your hat into the ring. Your flip flops between acting and politics makes you seem very untrustworthy. If you’re bored go ask David Wolf to write another Law and Order series where you get most of the face time instead of just two minutes of phony prosecutorial pontification from your office.

Bill Richardson, how about the rest of us? There aren’t enough legal Hispanics in this country to put you into the White House without some input from the rest of us.

Dennis Kucinich, I take you seriously, but you don’t have a snow ball’s chance of winning. You’re still the short guy from Cleveland not the John Wayne types we Americans usually get bamboozled into voting for. Besides, you actually have a brain. But vegetarianism is not a selling point in this carnivorous country.

Rudolf Giuliani, your leadership during 9/11 was good. But then showing up Dubya is easy. Cheating on your wife and then marrying your mistress is not a career move. Neither is wearing a dress, unless you’re Hillary. You show a decided lack of follow through...from us attorney to mayor to now wannabe president? Your game may play in New York. It’s not working too well here in the Midwest.

Newt, who the hell wants a President named after a lizard, especially when he acts like one. Slimy. Your mea culpa about what you did to your wife, while persecuting Bill Clinton, isn’t good either. Do you really think the people will trade one hypocrite for another? They might, but it won’t be you.

Mitt Romney. I honestly have a problem with guys who follow religions that listed black people as subhuman as late as 1978. Your flip flops on LGBT issues and pro choice issues means you don’t have even a snow ball’s chance with me.

John McCain. I used to like what you said, way back in 2000, but you’ve got that flip flopitis going on too. Pandering to the right in order to get elected leaves a nasty taste in my mouth.
If you do, by some chance get the nomination, selecting Joe Lieberman to be your running mate won’t work either.

And as for all the other guys whose names that I’ve forgotten, well that says it all doesn’t it. Keep your day jobs.

Designer Vaginas, The Search for the Perfect P****

I guess it was inevitable. Some rather enterprising Ob-Gyns, have opened up a new frontier in plastic surgery designed, I can only surmise, to separate stupid women and the men who love them, from more of their money. A report in today’s Washington Post likens the new procedures to dying one’s hair to cover encroaching grey.

Laser vaginal rejuvenation is what it’s called. What it purports to do is to rebuild the muscles of your “cat” to make it more enticing to your partner, that is if you can get him to look at it in the first place. It’s not a body part that we women can see or can stare at on a daily basis, and lesbians don’t have this problem, so it’s obviously a “man-thing,” made up by men, for men.

I didn’t know that the muscle walls were the site of sexual gratification. I thought that was the “G” spot” inside. That’s the reason why men have tools, so they can reach it, isn’t it?

Anyway, there is this board certified brother in DC who offers what he calls the “wonder woman makeover .” For about 15-grand he will tighten up the muscles in your vag-JJ, raise your breasts off your navel, make them bigger with implants, suck the fat out of your stomach to give you that nubile washboard look, and blow your butt up to look like J-Lo’s or any naturally endowed sister walking down the street.

If you really want to go all the way, then you can even have your hymen put back, so hubby or boyfriend can re-enact the taking of your cherry, like he thought he did way back when the two of you first had sex.

I’m sure he will probably do your lips, too. All of this is designed to make your man happy and want to continue screwing you instead of that 18 year old office assistant at work.

Revirginization, as the hymen procedure is called, is said to be the newest and latest gift for the man who has everything. One surgeon claiming to have performed 150 of these “gifts” says his clients are celebrating new relationships or second honeymoons.

The article is filled with happy face testimonials from clueless women who begged borrowed or stole the money in order to have the procedures done for their guys.

Gee whiz, and I’ve always thought that the brain was the best sex organ, guess I’m wrong. All these years, and I’ve been using the wrong head. Damn!

Rhythm, Race and Politics

I guess I should be happy that finally, America is talking openly about race. We’ve got new laws and resolutions to ban the “N” word. We’ve got re-enactments of bloody Sunday down in Selma, recalling the events that culminated in the passage of the 1965 Voting Rights Act.

We’ve got blogs and news programs and major magazines debating whether or not Obama is black enough and accepted by “real black” Americans. Others want to know if Hillary and her card carrying black man of a husband will steal the White House away from the “blood born” black man that is Barack.

We’ve even got the Cherokee Nation kicking out the descendants of their slaves because they are not Native American by blood. Yes, Native Americans owned black slaves, in case that lesson was omitted from your history book. And up until yesterday, the slave descendants were considered part of the Cherokee Nation. The vote to rescind tribal membership was 76 percent in favor. Some are calling the vote racist. Others say it is self determination.

This Obama thing is funny. For most of this country’s history, what defined people as black was “one drop” of black blood, never mind what the skin color was. Obama is fully 50 percent black, so what is the problem? He looks black. He married black. His kids are black. He goes to a black church. Black man!

If white supremacists ever kick off their racial holy war, Obama will be right there next to Tiger Woods getting his head blown off with the rest of us obviously real blacks. So why question his ethnicity now when he’s running for president? Unlike young Eldrick, he doesn’t appear conflicted about who he is, so why should we be?

Anyone remember the Rainbow coalition. Jesse Jackson used to tell us that there were 64 shades of blackness. Black people, Jackson used to say, come in all colors and shades.
African Americans are a living, breathing rainbow. Obama is one shade of that rainbow.

Again I ask, what is the problem? Maybe it’s because he doesn’t feel black. Bill Clinton feels like a black man even though he isn’t and that is hard to explain. There is a rhythm to blackness... a musical....lyrical way of reacting to and within the universe. I’ll be honest, I don’t feel that rhythm with Obama. But I do feel that rhythm with Bill Clinton. I don’t feel that rhythm with Hillary Clinton. Hillary is a white girl, brilliant, but rhythm-less. Clarence Thomas is very obviously a black man. But he is rhythm-less and clueless and I’m not feeling him at all.

But my feelings don’t make Obama any less black. I can still relate to the brother and I suspect that most of my fellow blacks can too.

Now can we get on with the real issues of this campaign?